Frankenfield Glacier
"Fer dem' gull-durn souls who died in de famun, we miss y'all"
| Frankenfield Famine Frunkenfeeld Famin Ain't It Bad | |
|---|---|
 Ye olde farmin people, but they ain't pickin' nun! | |
| Country | United States of A |
| Location | Nebraska Territory |
| Total deaths | ~10,000 |
| Death rate | around 45% |
| Causes |
Family feud |
| Theory | Obama |
| Consequences | Half of Nebraska died, Gorgenfeldbronzeheim family lost all their monies. |
| Website | banallrussians.com (anti-Korchagin), eatthebanks.ps (anti-Gorgerfeldbronzeheim) |
The Frankenfield Glacier, also known as the Frankenfield Famine and Frankencrisis was a famine that occurred from in Nebraska from August to September of 1862 as a result of the Gorgerfeldbronzeheim-Korchagin family feud. It was considered part of the Crackridge War, and Nebraska's deadliest family conflict.
Etymology edit
It was called the 'glacier' because of the salt scattered around which gave the land a white appearance.
Gorgerfeldbronzeheim-Korchagin feud edit
The famine's origins are in a conflict between two major families in the region - the Gorgerfeldbronzeheim family, a Russo-German-Jewish family that owned the Fatt Cow Company and Pincher Bank, and the Korchagin family, a small, poor family of Russian immigrants.
Background edit
The Fatt Cow Company was perhaps the first retail chain - hundreds of shacks across the state of Nebraska sold steaks, ribs, and other cow products under the name Fatt Cow General. The biggest was considered the best accomplishment of architecture ever made. It sat in the middle of Nebraska and was taller than the Empire State Building. The Gorgerfeldbronzeheim family was widely known as a mafia-associated family who avoided taxes and extorted their enemies. Nonetheless, nothing happened to them because everyone put their money in their bank and loved their beef. For 33 years, they, in essence, owned Nebraska entirely.
The Korchagin family, which was a small family composed of eighteen, moved to the United States, specifically the Nebraska Territory, in order to engage in the local farming industry. They were extremely poor, and left Russia in order to escape the salt tax, which was rampant, and targeted them because of their salt excess (they had around fifty ninety-pound bags of salt in their cellar). Settling near a Fatt Cow General, the family lived in a homestead on an abandoned farm that they sought to re-purpose. However, the first year of produce was terrible, and the family's food supply was greatly reduced. Seeking assistance, the family's eldest member, grandfather Pyotr Korchagin, applied for a loan with the Pincher Bank. Iosif Gorgerfeldbronzeheim, however, the manager of the bank, heir to the Gorgerfeldbronzeheim family, refused the loan and sent him away because he was 'filthy and with a rancid odor'.
Robbery and road rage incident edit
Pyotr Korchagin came home enraged and complained about the incident. He called the Gorgerfeldbronzeheim line a 'family of frauds' and an 'impure line'. Lacking food, and too hungry to continue working, Pyotr's grandson, Ivan, vowed to retrieve enough food for the family to celebrate Christmas. Early in the morning, around 3:00 AM the next day, he broke into the Fatt Cow General, not only to take revenge on the Pincher Bank for refusing them, but to get meat products, which they were lacking at the time. He reportedly took 23 sets of ribs, 5 steaks, 2 briskets, 3 packages of ground beef, and 7 hamburgers. Overall, about 64% of the store's stock was completely depleted, and an additional 11% was eaten on the spot. Ivan returned home with the food, and the family cooked it over an open fire at 4:22 AM to avoid detection. At 5 in the morning, Gorgerfeldbronzeheim thugs and goons found the missing produce, and associated it with the fire they smelt in the early morning. Iosif Gorgerfeldbronzeheim personally saw that there would be justice, and around sunrise, he began searching for Ivan, who had escaped to avoid prosecution. However, he did not find him, and soon, a search party was organized. Eventually, the Gorgerfeldbronzeheim goons found his younger brother Yuri, older sister Irina, and younger sister Elisaveta. Iosif and his brother Bagel (who later genetically modified an eagle and became the namesake for 'Mighty Bagel') held Ivan's siblings hostage in the bank and threatened to sacrifice them on Passover at midnight. When they received no response from Ivan, Iosif ordered Bagel to search for him, to which he refused, and Iosif was forced to search on his own. Iosif ran down the dirt road to to Korchagin homestead, but was met by Ivan, himself running towards the bank. Ivan beat Iosif on the road, who barely escaped, but had enough time to run back to inform Bagel of what happened. Bagel, enraged, broke into the homestead and stole their salt while the family themselves were out searching for Ivan. Bagel poured it straight onto the ground, killing whatever fertility was left, however, the salt only blew around, and spread all across Nebraska, contaminating all the ground.
Consequences edit
The salt disaster caused the worst drought in Nebraska history. According to Will B.A Dunks, there was a salty rain for the next 2 days, which dried everything it touched. Rivers and lakes shrank and turned yellow, and massive swathes of the population died of starvation. One citizen described it as 'dead donkeys everywhere. It was the worst thing I've ever seen. m' dog, m' uncle, m' cawsin, m' sistuh, m' paw, m' maw, and m' gran' paw died from the dead donkey smell.'
Today, Nebraska still suffers. On average, Nebraska rivers are 0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000003% saltier than other rivers. Along with this, Nebraska produces 0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% less produce than any other state (even the 'zona)
Gorgerfeldbronzeheim arrest edit
"The federal government became enraged when they found out that Iosif was letting people into The Lands. So he wanted to ride the bed chain all the way to The Lands. Iosif ordered that the bed chain be destroyed, but then, the UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED. Ivan appeared AT THE FINAL LINK, and RECONNECTED IT! The Fed finally had a path to the lands, and this would be his final act of treachery. Ivan hadn't even been there in MONTHS, and this would be his last appearance in any real capacity ever again. Iosif and the Gorgerfeldbronzeheims did everything they could to defend but it was no use. The Fed stole all the beef, and President Lincoln began to burn everything down. Then, they created an exit portal out of thin air COME ON! THIS IS GETTING REDICULOUS! THEY LITERALLY CREATED AN EX-" -Historian Jick Wicklers
The Gorgerfeldbronzeheim family suffered greatly for the events that occurred. The Korchagins were deemed not guilty, as it was the Gorgerfeldbronzeheims who refused to grant them a loan even though they had full capability to. The loan would likely end up being a profitable decision for them, but it was refused due to smell. The Gorgerfeldbronzeheims assets were stripped and sold to Eugene K. and the Pincher Bank was shut down. Regardless, Ivan was arrested on charges of robbery. Overall, however, the Korchagins were awarded 15 dollars and 4 cents, which greatly benefited them in life. Today, Korchagin descendants live in beach houses worldwide, and produce statues of their ancestors.